Marriage

(51 years and still holding)

Looking for a mate?

Daughters, can we talk a bit? You will have to be the sensible one on this subject as many fellows will consider their hormones more as to when and who to marry. You on the other hand may be the one to actively seek mister right with a calm head. You need to think with your head and heart to begin with to avoid a lot of possible problems later on.

First, are you really ready for marriage? Have you matured enough to know that you are sufficiently prepared for life if the marriage fails? What if you are left with a child? Can you support yourself with work enough to live without a husband? Have your educational goals been realized? Do you have any family and friends that will help you sort out solutions for your questions and needs? Are you caring and forgiving enough to survive in a marriage relationship requiring much give and take and compromise? Do you have a positive attitude to bring to the marriage? Can you handle humor to help ease tensions and be an enjoyable person to be around? Similarly, are you interesting and fun to be with to help support the relationship when under stress? Beauty can fade, but there should be much more to support the marriage in later years. Can you budget time and money well? In marriage, you will have to plan for the needs of your partner as well as your own and for any children. Have you ever been molested, or do you have intimacy issues? If so, seek professional help before marriage to avoid heartaches on you or your partner. These are a lot of important questions that you need to consider. One should only enter into marriage seriously with eyes wide open. After marriage, you may have to close the eyes once in a while, forgive and forget on minor issues. If you still feel that you are ready for marriage and have accepted Christ, you can ask God for wisdom and guidance to connect you with the right partner. He will answer, but sometimes patience is needed to prepare the right circumstances and necessary emotional growth of the partners prior to meeting.

Now, fellows since you have probably been reading this also, know that the same list applies to you. You both will need to think on these things to see if you are ready to seriously date with marriage in mind. And, throughout all of your dating remember to bring honor to God into any relationship. You are the temple of God who sees and knows all. For your own peace of mind be respectful of all dates that you honor yourself, your date and God. You are an amazing creation that, I hope, knows and has accepted Jesus as your lord and savior. You will need all the help that you can get, including a lot of wisdom that God can and will provide if you ask Him. You also have a memory that can give you heartache or joy as you remember the past. Plan ahead for good memories!

More questions during dating

• Is there respect in each others actions? Each of you is worthy and should require and receive respect from your partner. A lack of respect will destroy your partners self confidence and a marriage. Disrespect events are hard to forgive and forget.
• Are there common interests? Do you enjoy similar things? Where you go, what you do, likes & dislikes, cultural events, how to relax, common friends. You should be doing things together and having a good time.
• Do you communicate with each other? You should be talking about plans, hopes, feelings, interest in children, political ties. The bible talks about not being unequally yoked. Your partner and you should be pulling in the same direction. This is similar to supporting each other instead of trying to go in different directions. You also need to see if you can discuss various topics without anger. Marriage without the ability and desire to communicate peacefully will have a lot of heartaches to endure.
• Do you support each other? If hurtful words or actions are seen before marriage, they will amplify in marriage. You must be able to work out problems together without anger. If there is any evidence of anger, how is it manifested and released? This can be very important since no one in marriage needs to be on the extreme end of anger. You are supposed to be encouraging and building each other up, not trying to destroy each other. Your value as a life companion is increased greatly when you are seen as a supporter instead of a destroyer.
• Are you attracted to each other? Sounds like an easy question doesn’t it? However, attraction is not only on the outside, but the inside. The outside will likely change, but the personality and values on a person’s inside are timeless and can only get more beautiful within the haven marriage.
• Parents matter. You will also be marrying your partner’s family in some ways. Look for acceptance and similar values. When there is a lot of disharmony it can come from family relationships. Holidays and get togethers ideally should be looked forward to, not dreaded. Family clashes will involve all parties in some form.
• Are there health issues to overcome? Illnesses, alcohol or drug dependency or smoking will lead to further illness and stress issues. Avoid as many pitfalls as possible for all will be a drain on your time, monies and emotions.
• Do you have common thoughts about God? God should be at the center of strong marriages. This involves a basic belief that will influence all other decisions. You and your partner should be worshiping and praying together. God can be an extremely valuable stabilizing partner in marriage. After all, when married you are joined as one in God’s eyes to each other and to Him. God is a problem solver and a joy to bless marriages and individuals. He gives good gifts.

In summary:

Marriage is a union ordained by God between a man and woman. It becomes a blessing when each partner seeks the best for each other and is able to honor each other. It must be a flexible union, within limits, because each partner continues to go through changes in emotion, desires, stresses and external influences. Love has the power to overcome all when grace is received from God, understood and in turn is passed on to the other partner.

Know that:
All marriages have difficulties at times as the partner’s needs change. There may be times when a partner may have concerns that troubles persist or their life seems in vain or that desires have not been accomplished. Marriage difficulties can be reduced when communication is open, care is evident and the marriage remains a haven for rest, nourishment and safety. Try and keep an open mind and sensitivity for each others needs. Seek God’s wisdom and peace together. Realize that God allows testing to make us stronger and draw us to Him. When a test is successfully passed, greater blessings can be in store. The likelihood that a marriage will endure is tremendously improved when the partners can pray together to seek common ground in blessing each other, family, friends and discover shared caring for common goals. The more that partners honor God by seeking and expressing His goals, the more He will bless them individually and as a team.

Marriage, like faith in God, grows stronger each time difficulties are overcome and are remembered as shared victories. Shared humor where both partners can laugh helps. Real progress is evident when we can learn to enjoy a humbling laugh at ourselves with humor we initiate. Romance need not die when it can change form. Lust becomes caring, shared joys and a desire to work through things together. The body may sag, bulge and ache but a tender heart is always appreciated. Appreciate and encourage the good in each other. Fanning the coals may re-ignite a fire.

A marriage is strengthened when each partner performs a needed task(s) to benefit the marriage. Emotional support qualifies as a needed task. Do unto each other as you would have them do for you. Matthew 7:12 Avoid or find remedies for situations that increase tension within the marriage. Refrain from pointing fingers and yelling at each other. A soft answer or promise for a future thoughtful answer turns away wrath and increases the likelihood of reconciliation. Never ridicule your spouse in public.

Just as all should seek God’s forgiveness and new beginnings each day, extend the same opportunities to each other unless physical abuse, sexual abuse to children or drug or serious alcohol additions are present. See #11. A thread of grace can sustain a marriage until storms pass and wounds heal.

If a marriage ever sinks into continued abuse and dishonor of the marriage vows to love and protect the partner (and children), seek immediate separation and professional help. Christian counselors, doctors and the police are not your enemies. The marriage contract to love, honor and cherish has already been broken and the marriage union is null and void.

Be encouraged, God says:

Pro 10:12 Hatred stirs up fights, but love covers all sins.
Rom 12:9 Let love be without hypocrisy, shrinking from evil, cleaving to good; I have become as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal.
1Co 7:3 Let the husband give to the wife proper kindness, and likewise the wife also to the husband.
1Co 7:4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband. And likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife.
1Co 7:5 Do not deprive one another, unless it is with consent for a time, so that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer. And come together again so that Satan does not tempt you for your incontinence.
1Co 13:1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I have become as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal.
1Co 13:2 And though I have prophecies, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so as to move mountains, and do not have charity, I am nothing.
1Co 13:3 And though I give out all my goods to feed the poor, and though I deliver my body to be burned, and have not charity, I am profited nothing.
1Co 13:4 Charity has patience, is kind; charity is not envious, is not vain, is not puffed up;
1Co 13:5 does not behave indecently, does not seek her own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil.
1Co 13:6 Charity does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth,
1Co 13:7 quietly covers all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1Co 13:8 Charity never fails. But if there are prophecies, they will be abolished; if tongues, they shall cease; if knowledge, it will be abolished.
Gal 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is: love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faith,
Gal 5:23 meekness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
Eph 5:28 So men ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
Eph 5:33 But also let everyone of you in particular so love his wife even as himself, and the wife that she defers to her husband.
Col 3:19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be bitter against them.
1Th 5:11 Therefore comfort one another, and edify one another, even as you also do.
1Pe 3:1 Likewise, wives, be in subjection to your own husbands, so that if any do not obey the Word, they may also be won without the Word by the conduct of the wives,
1Pe 3:7 Likewise, husbands, live together according to knowledge, giving honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel, the female, as truly being co-heirs together of the grace of life, not cutting off your prayers.
Jud 1:2 Mercy and peace and love be multiplied to you.